DEATH – The Lifeblood of Rock ‘n’ Roll

 

As you are probably aware, world domination in rock ‘n’ roll is no easy gig in this current cutthroat climate. Many of today’s more talented artists seem to spend their entire careers trying to stay afloat, whilst hordes of hapless half-wits achieve great success by simply appealing to the lowest common denominator.
     
Nowadays, even more than musical ability or song craft, the ultimate no no within the music industry appears to be artistic integrity.  Unfortunately for that dying breed who persist in creating their music for all the right reasons - regardless of reward - integrity is usually an essential element in their work.
     
Although there is no denying that this current situation is extremely frustrating for anyone with genuine artistic integrity - all is not totally lost.  As history has demonstrated on countless occasions, there is still one tried and tested way of combining genuine artistic integrity with commercial success.  Die young and undiscovered. 
     
That said, it is imperative for anyone considering this route to stardom to pay particular attention to the pecking order involved when popping one’s clogs.  If someone was to believe say, that a fatal reaction to an anaesthetic during surgery to remove an in-growing toenail, is as glamorous a death as taking a drug overdose, committing suicide or dying in a ‘plane crash, they’d be sadly mistaken.  However, assuming that the death is suitably rock’n’roll there is a good chance that, even though the artist won’t actually be around to enjoy the earthly pleasures that new-found fame brings, they will at least, at some stage in the future, be able to have an ironic chuckle from beyond their trinket-laden, graffiti-adorned graves at some of the lies people - whom they never met - are telling about them in various unauthorised biographies.
    
Once the industry has a pretty corpse, their back catalogue, outtakes and the film rights, and, more importantly, is safe in the knowledge that the deceased don’t ask difficult questions, answer back, get old and fat or send their fans mixed messages by mingling with Monarchs, the myth making can commence.       
     
Within a matter of months anyone who once had a reputation in the business as a bit of an awkward customer can now be re-packaged as a misunderstood master of vision, just as any artist, once deemed a miserable bastard, will suddenly turn out to have been a tortured genius all along. And every song that was once considered too impenetrable to be unleashed on the pliant public will now be marketed as a complex piece of music that benefits from repeated listens, which, I’m sure you won’t be too dumbfounded to discover, will be dug out decade after decade and used time and time again as an extra track to bulk up a bevy of B sides, best of’s, and box sets.
     
Let me give you an example, involving two great white soul singers, which illustrates perfectly how lingering around too long can be lethal for that legendary status later on. Tim Buckley, one of the greatest recording artists ever, who, (whilst living and breathing and all that other boring stuff), had to spend his final days playing America’s chicken in a basket circuit in order to make ends meet, is nowadays recognised as a great white soul singer, whose legend will continue to flourish, thanks to him dying tragically young from an accidental heroin overdose.  On the other hand poor old Rod Stewart, who, had he experienced an equally as glamorous death a few months after recording Every Picture Tells a Story, would now also be considered a great white soul singer, but due to out staying his welcome, will be committed to memory for eternity as the bloke who once used the world’s stage to enquire if people found him sexy or not, whilst prancing around like a tit, decked out in leopard skin. 
    
Also spare a thought for all the great artists who although managed to refrain from any similar tawdry tactics throughout their careers, still never got to enjoy the recognition they deserved whilst living and even now don’t get the deification they deserve in death.
     
One such example is the mighty Gene Clark.  After a thirty-year career creating achingly beautiful, groundbreaking work, Gene finally gave up the ghost, with very little fanfare, in May 1991.  Whereas fellow cosmic cowboy and ex-Byrd, Gram Parsons, whose body of work, though mightily impressive, but as anyone in the know will tell you, not as impressive as Gene’s, is now a bone fide legend with a capital L.  Whilst the tribute album to Gram, for example, had celebrities such as Sheryl Crow, the Pretenders and Elvis Costello queuing round the block to croon his tunes, Gene’s tribute album had to make do with contributions from the dulcet tones of ‘household names’ such as Jim Basnight, Chris Von Sneidern and the Grip Weeds. (All of whom you may hear a lot more of in future should they meet a suitably sticky end.)                                    
     
Do you think it’s possible that because Gram’s story involved dying the ultimate rock ‘n’ roll death, aged just twenty-six and having his pretty corpse kidnapped so that it could be honoured with the ultimate rock ‘n’ roll cremation out in the Joshua Tree desert, compared to Gene’s story, which involved dying from plain old natural causes at the ripe old age of forty-six could, perhaps, go some way to explain their ever-expanding gap in god-like stature? 
     
The irony that, while Gram was alive, his albums (although just as glorious then as they are now) were as popular as the pox amongst the pop pickers of the day, still seems lost on the ever-increasing crop of Johnny Come Latelys currently riding the ‘Gram is God’ band wagon.    
    
Having said that, when it comes to really disastrous record sales during an artist’s lifetime, I guess it’s hard to beat those of Nick Drake.  The total worldwide sales of all three of his albums between 1969 until his tragic death in 1974 were under fifteen thousand – that’s less than three thousand sales per year. However, after a thirteen-year period of steady myth making, when Heaven In A Wild Flower (the first Nick Drake compilation album) was finally released in 1987 it sold twenty thousand copies within weeks in the UK alone!
     
It is, perhaps, worth mentioning at this point, for the benefit of anyone so insecure about their musical taste that they wait until the media say it’s OK to enjoy a particular artist’s music before they will buy their records, that, just as the Mona Lisa was a masterpiece the moment Leonardo’s brush graced the canvas for the last time, (not hundreds of years later when deemed valuable enough to reside behind bullet-proof glass), Nick Drake’s ‘Pink Moon’ was a masterpiece the moment he finished writing it, (not thirty years later when Volkswagen decided to use the song for a TV campaign to flog their latest Golf Cabriolet).
     
 If you yourself, due, perhaps, to peer pressure, have ever been tempted to buy an ‘industry approved’ album by a dead legend in preference to one of equal or superior merit by someone still alive, and after reading this are now feeling so ashamed of yourself that you wish to make amends, you can take your first step on the road to rehabilitation right now by simply answering YES or NO to each of the five questions listed below.
     
1) With the cause of death of so many dead legends being suicide, (often brought on by severe depression), do you think it’s possible that some of these, often fragile, sensitive souls may have still been making marvellous music today, had they been given a fraction of the recognition they deserved when they were still alive that they now ‘enjoy’ in death?

2) Do you think that Eva Cassidy, who had to suffer a slow painful death from bone cancer before eventually being ‘discovered’ some years later, might have found her passing a little easier to accept, if she had known on her death bed that, even though her own time on earth was almost through, at least her music would live on?

3) Do you ever feel when you’re listening to these previously unreleased songs that turn up with alarming regularity as ‘bonus tracks’ on various re-packaged, re-released, re-mastered dead legends’ discs, that they may have been unreleased previously for a good reason?

4) Do you agree that there have been considerably more column inches written about Townes Van Zandt over the last ten years since his death, than during the final ten years of his life, when press coverage was essential for his survival due to performing in small clubs to small audiences (twenty eight last time he played my home town) to promote albums he was making for small labels at the time?

5) Do you agree that it would be more difficult for a music mogul to ‘cajole’ an artist with integrity in to doing things their way while that artist were still alive and kicking (like allowing a song to be used to sell cars for example) than to ‘cajole’ a grieving, vulnerable and often financially destitute next of kin at some later date?

If you answered YES to all five questions above – Halle-fucking-lujah! CONGRATULATIONS!  At least now you can see that by paying more attention to the myth than the actual music you have been seriously stunting the growth of musical evolution. 
     
Now you’ve come this far why not continue your rehabilitation by making some further attempts to discover tomorrow’s dead legends today.  All you need do is stray off the beaten track every once in a while and scratch around beneath the surface a little bit.  I’m sure you’ll be pleasantly surprised by the wealth of great artists out there making magnificent music who unfortunately, due to a lack of people like yourself searching their music out and supporting them, could at any stage, through sheer desperation, decide to go over to the other side and start appealing to the lowest common denominator in order to earn a decent crust or, even worse, for both themselves and their loved ones (although potentially great for their posthumous career) plump for the other more drastic option.
     
If, on the other hand, even after reading this, you still had the bare faced cheek to answer NO to any of these questions: may the Lord pull the plug on your purchasing power immeadietly and the Devil deliberate the details of your demise.

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Let It Be…Naked (Reduced To Clear)

 

Those of you who have already digested the revised edition of the Good Book will be familiar with my hypothesis that releasing the Let It Be…Naked album, which allows the public to hear how the Beatles really sounded beneath the cloak of Phil Spector’s genius, was not a particularly smart business move. Although at the time of writing the ‘Let It Be…Naked (Not a Pretty Sight)’ chapter I had no actual hard evidence to validate my theory, I feel that the photograph below (kindly sent in to us by Nick from Skellingthorpe near Lincoln) goes some way to back up my initial hunch. 

Let It Be Cover

If, after carefully studying the above photograph - paying particular attention to the price sticker situated at the top right hand corner of the CD case - you wish to contribute to our survey, all you need do is answer A, B or C to the following multiple choice question:

Do you think that, as the Let It Be…Naked CD (including a free bonus disc) can now be purchased at a discount of over 80% off the recommended retail price, this product is:


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If you intend to do any further research yourself as to whether or not releasing the musical equivalent of sandblasting the Sistine Chapel ceiling may have been counterproductive to the Beatles’ on-going deification, go to www.amazon.co.uk, type in the words: ‘Let It Be…Naked’ and locate the customer reviews section where - nestled amongst the five star reviews from Beatle Heads who, lets face it, would give five stars to a recording of their house being demolished by a bulldozer if Sir Paul were driving it  -  you’ll discover a wealth of scathing reviews from a somewhat more sober sector of the Fab Four fan family, who all appear to share my viewpoint on this rather delicate matter.

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The Paul O’Grady Feel Good Factor

 

Have you ever woken up, and, for no apparent reason, just wanted to sink immediately back beneath the covers and disappear? Well, for me this morning was one such occasion.  I can’t honestly remember feeling as despondent since hearing a nasty rumour, way back in the mid-eighties, that the Beatles were considering reforming with Julian Lennon taking his dad’s place in the band. Even after I’d eventually managed to pull myself up from my nightmare-infested slumber, injected my system with a full pot of strong Lavazza coffee and endeavoured to lift my spirits by watching a couple of episodes of Curb Your Enthusiasm, there was still no sign of those dark clouds disappearing.

Then, to add to my inexplicable gloom, real life suddenly kicked in; more war, crime and famine in the newspaper, nothing but bills and abuse from Fab Four fans in the mail, a cold coming on, the usual computer trouble and to top it all off, a phone call from an old friend experiencing worse financial difficulties than the U.S. Federal Reserve, who rang for a rant in the midst of my mid morning melancholies.        

Trying to write on days like today is never a good idea.  The head won’t work. The heart won’t work. The hands won’t work. It’s like being trapped inside an emotional straight jacket with a constant itch you can’t scratch. Even though it’s at times like these that I feel the urge to get my feelings down on paper more than ever, I actually ended up spending most of the afternoon staring at a blank screen, whilst simultaneously trying to ignore the sad eyes and occasional whine of Big Bear Henri (the King of the canine world), who, regardless of my foul mood and the relentless rain outside, was not prepared to settle for a quick piss in the garden and was holding out for his daily W. A. L. K.

In fact, it was only when I finally caved in and decided that, despite the weather and my state of mind, it was time for us both to get some fresh air and exercise that the dark clouds suddenly disappeared - metaphorically at least.

Within minutes of leaving home I found myself in a rain-sodden garden on Mulgrave Avenue performing my ‘Responsible Dog Owner’ duties.  As I was knelt down, I heard what at first sounded like a donkey braying, but on closer scrutiny appeared to be human cackling and screeching coming from inside the house of the garden I was in.  As soon as I had pulled myself up to my feet, I couldn’t resist tiptoeing over and having a quick peek through the window where the noise was coming from - half out of curiosity and half out of genuine neighbourly concern – to find out what all the commotion was.

I don’t think I’ll ever forget as long as I live the sight that greeted me through that window. It was a spectacle so distressing that it instantly put all my so-called troubles into context and reminded me of the fact that no matter how bad my problems were there is always somebody, somewhere, worse off than yourself… through the half open curtains, I could quite clearly make out some poor bastard sitting in his chair watching the Paul O’Grady show! 

 

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Beatles Music Played on Pan Pipes in Elevator of Edinburgh Hotel!

 

I bumped into my old mate, Jeff, over the weekend, who’d recently returned from a three-night stay at the Royal Terrace Hotel in the centre of Edinburgh. He had loads of good things to say about the city and, in particular, the hotel itself, which he described as a wonderful example of Georgian architecture with stunning landscaped gardens, luxurious interiors and a breakfast to die for. However, he was also keen to forewarn me – in case I should ever decide to act upon his recommendation - that the musak in the hotel elevator left an awful lot to be desired.

According to Jeff, and I have no reason to doubt his word, the music being pumped into the elevator – which, unfortunately, he had to utilize throughout his stay, due to twisting an ankle whilst drunk on the first night - consisted solely of Beatles songs being performed on the pan pipes!

(Before you continue, you may wish to contemplate how mawkish hogwash, played on instruments used by digital shopping channels to hypnotise pensioners into buying more tat than they can afford, may sound in such a confined space.)

Jeff portrayed every single one of the trips he had to make in that elevator as a deeply unsavoury experience.  However, it was as he embarked upon his final descent on the last day, en route to reception to check out, which would prove to be his most testing time on tartan turf to date.

Apparently, within seconds of him hobbling into the already crowded elevator, the opening bars of ‘Michelle’ were just starting to rear their ugly heads.  From what I can gather, even with the offending version being instrumental - thus sparing Jeff the additional trauma of hearing ‘Michelle’ rhymed with ‘ma belle’ on numerous occasions  - it was, nevertheless, still no easy ride.
     
In fact, he claimed that, due to the elevator stopping at every floor on the way down, (including one delay of around 45 seconds, when a man insisted on holding the doors, whilst his wife ran back to their room to retrieve something), by the time he had finally managed to drag himself and his luggage to safety, he had endured almost the entire song.

(If you’re ever bored on a long journey, why not melt away some of the miles by making up a list of more appropriate music you could provide for your patrons - whilst in transit between floors - if you yourself were the manager of a large Edinburgh hotel. The one time I had a go, I’d managed to list harp music from Glasgow’s William Jackson, numerous works from Scottish composers like Sir John Blackwood McEwen, William Wallace and Hamish MacCunn plus a wealth of offerings from various contemporary Celtic artists such as Cappercaille, the Battlefield band and local Leith lad, Dick Gaughan, before I’d reached the end of my road)

 That said, as Jeff was at pains to point out, apart from the unpleasant elevator experiences, he would highly recommend the place to anyone. Therefore, if you are planning a trip to the fair city of Edinburgh anytime soon and think you may be tempted by some of the many delights the hotel has to offer, (not least its reasonable rates and excellent location), but, like me, would rather sit through an Elton John tantrum than suffer the same fete as Jeff, I’ve devised a simple procedure providing a pragmatic approach to preventing any panpipe predicaments on the premises during your visit, which will enable you to enjoy a Beatle-free break within this Fab Four friendly establishment.  
     
All you need do, If you should decide to make The Royal Terrace Hotel your hostelry of choice, is to request a ground floor room in advance when you make your reservation or, if none are available during the period you wish to stay, just remember to always take the stairs.

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It’s a Dirty Job But Somebody Has To Do It

 

It’s been reported that as many as one billion people may have purchased a Beatles’ record at one time or another since the band was first thrust up on the general public some forty odd years ago. That’s almost fifteen per cent of the world’s population. Nowadays, due to supply and demand, there are thousands of Fab Four friendly websites littering cyber space, which cater for those billion people.  Freespeechbooks.com, on the other hand, has been created solely to cater for the other 5.5 billion people who don’t own a Beatles record.  

If there is anyone alive who feels that it’s excessive to have one solitary website offering support to over eighty-five per cent of the world’s population in their potential struggle against Fab Four Fundamentalism, please get in touch and let us know how you arrived at your, what certain fans of free speech may regard as, rather unreasonable point of view.

I am me, I’m Beatle free
I can twist and shout or let it be
I’m free to listen, think and see
I am me, I’m Beatle free

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