Gary Hall’s Weblog

I was clearing out the loft the other week and stumbled upon some old vinyl from my childhood, which included my small, but perfectly formed, collection of Pinky & Perky albums. Looking through the track listings I discovered that, as well as committing to vinyl such heavyweight numbers as ‘Who’s Afraid Of The Big Bad Wolf’, ‘Nelly The Elephant’ and ‘Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep’, the little swines had also recorded a wealth of Fab Four songs which, like the songs listed above, were obviously considered the perfect blend of musical content and subject matter to appeal to their target audience - three year old children.

(If you’re in any doubt as to just how successful Pinky & Perky have been over the years in appealing to their target audience; I used to know a guy in Nashville - ironically a massive Fab Four fan - who bought himself a big house with a swimming pool from the proceeds of having just one of his songs recorded by the piglets!)

In fact, so intrigued was I by the sheer volume of Fab Four songs recorded by Pinky & Perky in my own modest collection of just four LPs and a couple of EPs, that I decided to do a bit of research into the piglets’ more recent repertoire to see if their artistic discernment had developed any over the ensuing decades. Sadly not. Talk about discovering a winning formula and sticking to it.

Just as in their heyday, the sixties and seventies, when Pinky & Perky’s advisers chose to ignore the songs of Leonard Cohen, Bob Dylan, Joni Mitchell, the Stones, Neil Young and the like, in favour of material made popular by artists the calibre of Cliff Richard, the Beverley Sisters, Donny Osmond, Perry Como and, of course, the Fab Four, (with whom they were so enamoured they even had them as guests on their TV show), once again, during the eighties and nineties the piglets’ people chose to shun songs from acclaimed songwriters such as Nick Cave, Kurt Cobain and Morrissey in favour of material made popular by the likes of Take That, Right Said Fred and Jason Donovan.

I’m sure this above information will prove absolutely indispensable when you reach that point during the ‘the talk’ with Fab Four fans when they try to justify the Beatles’ mass appeal by hitting you with that old chestnut: ‘great art should appeal on all levels’.

Although I haven’t had a chance to actually put this into practice as yet, I’m certain that, in order to quell the ‘great art should appeal on all levels’ misconception rapidly, all you will need to do is give the fan you’re dealing with a brief overview of Pinky & Perky’s unrepentant passion for peddling paltry pop songs and the average age of their intended target audience. Then follow this information by asking the Fab Four fan if they feel that a typical Pinky & Perky aficionado would appreciate Shakespeare’s King Lear, Caravaggio’s Conversion of St. Paul or Tolstoy’s War & Peace (particularly in Russian) to the same extent as the pigs body of work - to which the fan will have to reluctantly mumble the word ‘no’. Once you have established with the fan that the works of Shakespeare, Caravaggio and Tolstoy are not as popular with three year old children as two ten inch puppets singing songs about Octopus’s gardens, yellow submarines and the like, you can complete this simple exercise by enquiring if, with hindsight, the fool before you is still convinced that their ‘great art should appeal on all levels’ assertion is a suitable gauge with which to judge what is and is not great art.

Of all the misconceptions that have come to my attention since I first wrote the Good Book, this one is the most ridiculous and - unlike the misconception that the Beatles’ music changed the face of popular music - impossible to prove or disprove either way. That said, by employing the spiritual law of least resistance and allowing the fan to do all the work for you, the method I’ve devised to deal with this particular fallacy is actually the easiest of all to execute: when faced with the misconception that the Beatles’ music changed the world, as is bound to happen at some stage during your fight against Fab Four fundamentalism, simply ask the fan at hand this easy-to-remember, yet difficult to answer question: ‘How?’ Then just sit quietly and wait for the stammering and spluttering to commence.

When ‘having the talk’ with certain Fab Four fans you’ll often find that, within seconds of demolishing their delusions concerning the Beatles abilities as musicians and songwriters, they will suddenly - in a last ditch attempt to save face - hit you with the ‘Lennon was a living God’ card.  Sometimes this desperate act will involve going to such extremes as comparing John’s god-like deeds with those of say, Ghandi getting the British to hand India back to the Indian people without the use of violence, or even Martin Luther King’s contributions to the Civil Rights movement.

As you are well aware, the only subject you should be prepared to discuss whilst ‘having the talk’ is the pros and cons of the music the Beatles churned out, never the pros and cons of the individual band members’ actions, motives or personalities. (Particularly if neither you nor the fan you’re dealing with have ever met the Mop Top in question).  However, as the ‘MBE Ping Pong’ technique has been designed specifically to help Fab Four fans put John’s God-like deeds into context and only requires that you state a fact - as opposed to offer an opinion - this particular exercise should be considered the exception to the rule.   OK, without further ado, let’s take a look at how to put the ‘MBE Ping Pong’ technique into practice.    

The main justification for John’s God-like stature amongst the Fab Four fraternity appears to stem from his rather well documented/publicised disapproval of the Vietnam War. Therefore, the ‘Lennon Was a Living God’ address will basically involve you being regaled with a long list of the God-like deeds John carried out in protest against that particular war. These will include such feats as staying in bed for several days at a time in various five star hotels, writing a couple of protest songs and even attending the occasional anti-war rally (at no cost to the organiser!)  

DO NOT attempt, at any stage during this procedure, to juxtapose John’s protesting prowess with that of those conscripts imprisoned for burning their draft cards or the martyrs who set themselves alight protesting against the same conflict, as comparing John’s God-like deeds with those of mere mortals will be considered a personal attack on John’s character and could jeopardise the whole exercise.

Instead, bite your tongue and wait patiently for the fan to reach their grand finale before you respond. You will know the end is nigh when you hear the following sentence being bellowed at you in breathless indignation: “And-as-if-that’s-not-enough-evidence-to-prove-to-you-just-what-kind-of-a-man-John-was, he-even-handed-back-his-MBE-in-protest!”

Once John’s ultimate god-like sacrifice has been revealed, it’s imperative that you allow the fan a few moments to settle down and catch their breath before you proceed because, as I’ve learned from bitter experience, a tired and emotional Fab Four fan can become very irrational when their fallacies, falsehoods and fantasies are finally confronted by fact.

(You may be sorely tempted at this point to shout out the names of some of the perhaps slightly less brazen Brits, who, unlike John,  ‘politely’ refused to accept a British honour, such as Francis Bacon, Alan Bennett, Kenneth Branagh, Jim Broadbent, John Cleese, Joseph Conrad, Albert Finney, Robert Graves, Aldous Huxley, Rudyard Kipling, Philip Larkin, Ken Loach, C S Lewis, L S Lowry, Keith Richards and Evelyn Waugh to name but a few – DON’T, as this act could also be construed as a personal attack on John’s character.)

Instead wait until the fan is suitably settled, and then - in as friendly and non-judgemental way as possible – simply present the fan at hand with the following fact: in order for a person to hand back an MBE, at some stage during that person’s development as a human being, that person must have been prepared to accept an MBE (and all that it stands for) in the first place.

If, as will happen on occasion, the fan at hand appears to have some difficulty getting to grips with this - what to you or I is straightforward logic – don’t despair. Simply find a pen and paper, write out the equation below and hand it over to the fan so that this conundrum can be studied in more detail during their own time.
 

FACT 1: In 1970 person A returned object C to person B.
FACT 2: Object C is only given out by person B in an annual ceremony.
Therefore, using simple logic and facts 1 & 2 we can deduce that person A must have accepted object C from person B during an earlier annual ceremony.

Admittedly, ‘MBE Ping Pong’, compared to some of the more sophisticated techniques in your repertoire, is a relatively basic exercise. That said, when presented in conjunction with an in-depth dossier of the band’s wealth of woes and amalgamated with such favourites in fighting Fab Four fundamentalism as the ‘Let the lyrics Stand Alone’ test or the ‘Nursery Rhyme’ test, I’m confident it will provide you with a welcome addition to your overall defence strategy.

www.freespeechbooks.com

      Returning to the office this week, Charlotte discovered - whilst checking the freespeechbooks.com web stats - that not only had we received a lot of traffic over the holiday period from a U.S.  music industry web site called The Velvet Rope, but also, a disproportionate amount of book orders from new customers in the States – which was nice!  It appears the reason for this sudden flurry of interest from across the pond was that, shortly before Christmas, a fellow non-believer by the name of RJH, posted a link to my latest weblog entry ‘The Beatles Christmas Quiz 2006’ on the Velvet Rope’s discussion board and, naturally - being a music industry website – this brave act had ruffled a few high fliers feathers.
     
      Now, having had some time to study the responses to this initial post in greater detail, I can confirm that I have never before experienced Fab Four fundamentalism this severe.  And - as there appear to be more examples of Mop Top misconceptions crammed in to this one particular thread than I managed to address within my entire book - I consider it an essential reading companion for all those serious about living life without loving the Beatles.
     
      However, If you have never before dipped your toe into that cess pit we call the music industry, and are unsure if you should proceed - due to fear of being intimidated by the wisdom, intelligence and foresight offered up by these Music Moguls - I’m quietly confident that reading the following examples of their wisdom, intelligence and foresight will help allay some of your fears.     
     
      (Please bear in mind before continuing that the only provocation for these quotes is one solitary soul politely begging to differ with these peoples’ views regarding a group of light entertainers from yesteryear.)

10) – ‘Fuck this guy, fuck this stupid book and fuck this quiz’
9) – ‘The Beatles’ greatness in no longer an opinion it’s a fact’
8) – ‘Whoever wrote these questions is in desperate need of a cock punch’
7) – ‘You Sir are an idiot’
6) – ‘I must agree you’re an idiot with no taste’
5) -  ‘Revolver is the greatest album of all time’
4) -  ‘Who is this douche bag?’
3) – ‘Fuck this retard’
2)  - ‘Anyone who hates the Beatles lacks love in their heart’

      (And last, but not least, my personal favourite - offering the perfect blend of inaccuracy, aggression and festive cheer – posted on Christmas Day by Platinum Member, Heldo)

1)  - ‘Dear Stupid Twat, The Beatles were the greatest band ever. As a matter of fact, there will never be another band that comes close. Please kill yourself. Merry Christmas’

      Ok, if, after reading the above, you now feel you won’t be too intimidated by the level of sophistication on display - before you do face the full force of this ferocious flock of Fab Four fundamentalists foaming at the mouth – let me give you some key pointers to focus on, which should prove very useful in strengthening your defence stratergy against all forms of Fab Four fundamentalism in the future:

1) Always remember to follow the excellent example set by RJH and remain polite at all times whenever  ‘having the talk’. Even if your attempts at helping the fan you’re dealing with see sense are proving less successful than a Jehovah’s Witness cold calling campaign, you must never ever use threatening behaviour or attack people personally like some of the Fab Four Fundamentalist you will soon encounter on The Velvet Rope.
 
2) Note how whenever asked an  ‘awkward’ question (which, if answered honestly, would immeadietly render the argument useless) the Fab Four fan will either skulk away and re-join the discussion again later when the heat has died down, or unleash a huge volley of expletives before going off on some wild tangent.  Whenever the Question Avoidance Routine does occur in a situation like this  - as it inevitably will – it is essential that you carry on asking the question, as even though the fan at hand may well continue to refuse to answer it, any innocent observers who are following the thread (like the more evolved Velvet Ropers who placed book orders), will be able to see for themselves that you are right and the fan is wrong – which in turn will help them to form a somewhat more ‘sober’ opinion of the Beatles ‘greatness’.

3) Always make it known as soon as is possible during ‘the talk’ (as RJH correctly does) that you have absolutely NO PROBLEM WHATSOEVER with the Beatles as people  - except when they go near a musical instrument - as one of the first things the fan will do, on discovering your distaste for the lion’s share of the Fab Fours’ musical output, is accuse you of being an evil person who is filled with hatred and despises every member of the band as individuals. In fact, one of the best examples you will ever experience of this occurs on page two when – shortly after RJH spends an entire paragraph declaring his admiration for the Beatles as individuals – Gold Member, Sidcatlett declares RJH’s lack of enthusiasm for the Beatles’ music to be as ‘sickening’ an act as someone he heard about wearing a T Shirt with John’s face crossed out and the words  “1 down, 3 to go” printed on it not long after John was tragically gunned down in cold blood (ironically by a Fab Four fan).

4) Pay particular attention to the subtleties you’ll encounter whenever a member of the Fab Four fraternity delivers a Mop Top misconception but expresses it slightly differently to how I have explained the exact same misconception in the Good Book.  For example, in a post from Platinum Member, Massive you will witness him declare that the only reason RJH claims to not enjoy the vast majority of the Beatles’ music is because it’s ‘a great way to get attention’. This is an identical claim to that old chestnut: ‘you’re just saying you don’t like the Beatles music to be different and clever’ which is discussed in detail during the Nostalgic Impolitic chapter on p.48 and should be dealt with using exactly the same method.     

5) Once you begin ‘having the talk’ it is imperative that you try to get the fan you are dealing with to commit to the ‘Let The Lyrics Stand Alone’ test as soon as is humanly possible.  Then follow this immediately with the ‘Nursery Rhyme’ test, (something that RJH, sadly, failed to do on this occasion) as this will not only give you the opportunity to sit back and allow the fan you’re dealing with to dig themselves into a deeper and deeper hole, but, again, will allow any innocent observers to be presented with the facts that categorically prove  the bulk of the Beatles songs to be not only lyrically inferior to the average nursery rhyme, but also  rhythmically and melodically substandard.

      Ok, if you now feel you are finally ready to engage with Fab Four fundamentalism in full flow - all you need to do is take a few deep breaths and then click here.

www.freespeechbooks.com

Please answer either Yes or No to each of the ten questions below. The correct answers are printed at the bottom of the page.

1) - These days you will often hear bands such as Oasis, Coldplay and Keane bleat on about how the Beatles’ have been a massive influence on their music.  After carefully considering the music that these bands make, do you feel that the Beatles’ influence has been a good thing?

2) - Ross Cameron (PHD), a lecturer in philosophy at the University of Leeds claims that when Sir Paul wrote the line ‘her name was Magil and she called herself Lil, but everyone knew her as Nancy’ in the song ‘Rocky Racoon’, that our old mucca Macca was “elaborating Frege’s sense/reference distinction’.   Would you agree?

3) - During his glory years, George Martin had Geoff Emerick at his side, the world’s greatest session musicians at his beck and call, access to the best studio technology money could buy and an unlimited budget.  Do you think that he could have made better use of his time working with more talented artists of the day such as Scott Walker, Brian Wilson, Bob Dylan and the like?

4)  - If you discovered that your son or daughter had been invited to go to a birthday party which featured for their entertainment a performance by Fab Four puppeteer, Mr. Puppet, would you still be prepared to allow your child to attend?

5)  - Do you find it ironic that, every time a Fab Four fan buys a Beatles-based product, a portion of their hard-earned cash will end up in the pockets of Yoko Ono (the woman who, allegedly, broke up the Beatles) and, in a roundabout way, once the divorce case is settled, Heather Mills McCartney (who, allegedly, broke Paul’s heart)?
 
6)  - As you are no doubt aware; in order for a song to receive heavy rotation on the radio it must be safe, bland, obvious, repetitive and appeal to the lowest common denominator. Bearing that in mind, would you be surprised to discover that the most played song on radio of all time is ‘Yesterday’ (formerly ‘Scrambled Eggs’) by the Beatles?

7)  - If Led Zeppelin had employed Ringo instead of John Bonham as their drummer, would they still have gained their reputation as the greatest live rock ‘n’ roll band on earth?

8) -There are tens of thousands of people in the world today who will openly declare Sergeant Peppers to be their favourite album of all time.  Would you agree that this statistic, more than any other, offers cast iron proof of just how low the combined intelligence quotient of the human race has sunk?

9) - Please study the following facts carefully:

Fact One - Love - the latest musical monstrosity the Fab Four industry is using to part the band’s fans from their cash – has a recommended retail price of £15.99

Fact Two - Cortimoxazole - according to the charity Global Movement For Children - is an antibiotic that prevents life threatening infections in HIV infected children (of which there are over four million in Africa) and costs less than half a penny per day per dose per child.

Would you agree that the money required to purchase a copy of the Love CD would, perhaps, be better spent on the latter? 

10) - Even though John was hardly in the same league as the likes of John Fogerty, Bob Seeger or Gary US Bonds as a rock ‘n’ roll singer, when he put his mind to it he was, undeniably, the best singer by far in the Beatles. However, would you also agree that on tracks like ‘Across The Universe’ and ‘Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds’ when he chose to sing in that ‘Oh please Sir it wasn’t me, it was Wiggins’ voice of his that he wasn’t really doing himself any favours as a vocalist?
 

 The Answers
1) No
2) No
3) Yes
4) No
5) Yes
6) No
7) No
8) Yes
9) Yes
10) Yes

How did you score?

(0-3) - You need to pull your socks up, STOP following the herd and START following your heart.

(4-7) - You are still displaying some disturbing signs of longing to fit in and merge with the masses in order to be able to take the easy road through life. Be careful, the next step down this slippery slope could find you standing in a queue at your local Tesco’s with a Franz Ferdinand CD in your shopping trolley and a smug look on your face, convinced that you’re breaking new ground!

(8-10) - Thank you for taking the time to read my book, let me take this opportunity to wish you a Merry Christmas and a Beatle-free New Year.

www.freespeechbooks.com

     ‘It’s like a school of thought for me’
      (Dominic Monaghan discussing his belief in the Beatles’ ‘teachings’)
      ‘One and one is two’
      (An example of the Beatles’ ‘teachings’)

Unaccustomed as I am to watching movies about midgets squabbling over jewellery (in fact given the choice of watching Lord of The Rings or spending equal man hours studying the ingredients of a tomato ketchup bottle in Dutch, I’d plump for the latter) I was unaware of who Dominic Monaghan was, until one night a few months back when I happened to be watching the Jonathon Ross show by mistake and he was on as a guest. 

I’ll be honest; I was really starting to warm to Dom Dom with that rather endearing ‘sometimes I just want to run away, learn to play the hurdy gurdy and breed pigs’ charm of his, until all of a sudden - for no apparent reason and with absolutely no prompting whatsoever from Jonathon or the studio audience - he blurted out to the nation that he ‘loves to talk about the Beatles’.  So intrigued was I by this outlandish declaration that I decided, when time permitted, I would definitely make it my duty to delve a little deeper into Dom Dom’s disturbing desire to discuss deified dinosaurs. 

From information I have since managed to acquire (all freely available on the Internet) I’ve discovered what may well prove to be one of the main reasons for this fascination with the Beatles; it turns out that Dom Dom actually has the musical taste of a 15-year-old middle class schoolgirl.  Consequently, only having the likes of the insipid piano-driven drivel of Coldplay, or those ‘don’t worry these kids are too young to remember the Bunnymen’ bass lines of Interpol as reference points with which to compare the Mop Top’s music, it is understandable, I suppose, that Dom Dom developed this fixation for all things Fab Four. 

A fixation, apparently, so severe that it not only involves the poor lamb listening to their music on a regular basis, but also believing wholeheartedly in the band’s ‘teachings’, and even going so far as to have a line of their lyrics tattooed upon his left shoulder. 

After resisting the temptation of other ‘classic’ lines of wisdom from the pen of Lennon & McCartney such as ‘Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da life goes on brarrhh’, ‘I am the egg man oh, they are the egg men’ and  ‘I must not be so oh, oh, oh, oh’, Dom Dom finally decided to adorn his body for the remainder of his natural life (unless, of course, his record collection should dramatically improve whereupon laser treatment could be considered) with the words ‘Living Is Easy With Eyes Closed’ from the ditty ‘Strawberry Fields Forever’.
     
      (Note to any Fab Four fans reading this by mistake: we’re fully aware at freespeechbooks.com that the line ‘living is easy with eyes closed’ is in fact a metaphor, we’re just astonished by how weak it is)

Ok, I know what you’re thinking – ‘I blame the tattoo artist’, right?  Well, to some extent I agree.  Dom Dom should certainly have been offered a selection of alternative lyrical options to ‘Living Is Easy With Eyes Closed’, which, although still including the word eyes (them being the windows to the soul and all that) are not gauche, grammatically ungainly, lazy, semantically misguided, or indeed such a bone of contention for referees, bus drivers and ornithologists. However, Dom Dom is a big lad now and old enough to make up his own mind. Therefore, even though the tattoo artist responsible will have to live with the fact that he’s scarred a man for life with sixth-form poetry, ultimately; the customer is always right. 

Naturally, working in an industry where the obligation to be Fab Four friendly is stifling, Dom Dom will be actively encouraged by the majority of his colleagues to continue spreading his hell-fire brand of Fab Four Fundamentalism, whilst meeting little resistance from the more evolved industry insiders who – for obvious reasons – will remain silent.  That is why it is absolutely imperative, with so many kids these days being influenced by their hero’s taste (or lack of it), that for the sake of musical evolution, you should do everything in your power to help Dom Dom see sense if you ever get the opportunity.

If you are lucky enough to bump into Dom Dom on your travels, I’ve devised a very simple exercise, which you can utilize to test his faith in the Beatles’ ‘teachings’.  It’s called the All You Need Is Love challenge.

      (The All You Need Is Love challenge is also recommended for use during ‘the talk’ with any strain of Fab Four fan {apart from the Beatle Head} when you feel that he or she may be confusing a song that has genuine integrity and is worthy of your attention, with one that’s main melodic refrain was openly lifted from the nursery rhyme ‘Three Blind Mice’)
      
In order to successfully execute this exercise all you have to do is ask Dom Dom - in as polite and friendly manner as possible – if he would be prepared to take the All You Need Is Love challenge’.  If he agrees, which I’m sure he will, as he’s renowned for taking time out to mingle with his minions, simply ask him the following question: 
    
“If I were to commence my studies of the Beatles’ ‘teachings’ by evaluating the credibility of their song ‘All You Need Is Love’ as a valid concept, in order for me to be absolutely convinced that love really is all you need, am I to assume that Rolls Royces, mansions and fur coat collections are optional extras?”  

That’s it! That’s all you need to do, just plant the seed of reality inside Dom Dom’s conscience and let him go away and begin to scrutinize the bands’ ‘teachings’ at a deeper level in his own time, as I’m sure, being a bright lad, he will do.  Once he starts to realise that it’s actually his sacred cows who have been milking him (not just financially, but musically, spiritually and emotionally) for all these years, I’m convinced he’ll be desperate to put his days of doing it in roads, holding hands, digging ponies, fixing holes and residing in submarines behind him and move on.  In fact, given time, Dom Dom may one day progress to a higher level of enlightenment where, assuming he does shun the idea of laser treatment, he’ll have the lyrics  ‘take what you need and leave the rest’ tattooed onto his other shoulder as a way of balancing out his yin and yang, maan!
     
      Now say the following prayer with me for Dom Dom:
     
      Dom Dom, yer daft ‘un, pull your socks up
      You’ll soon be a middle-aged man
      These Beatles’ ‘teachings’ are all well and good
      Whilst your main form of transport’s a pram
    
      If you’re looking for guidance on living your life
      Try Krishnamurti, the Dali Lama or Christ
      Not some long since disbanded lightweight beat combo
      Whose back catalogue is way overpriced

www.freespeechbooks.com

Those of you who have already digested the revised edition of the Good Book will be familiar with my hypothesis that releasing the Let It Be…Naked album, which allows the public to hear how the Beatles really sounded beneath the cloak of Phil Spector’s genius, was not a particularly smart business move. Although at the time of writing the ‘Let It Be…Naked (Not a Pretty Sight)’ chapter I had no actual hard evidence to validate my theory, I feel that the photograph below (kindly sent in to us by Nick from Skellingthorpe near Lincoln) goes some way to back up my initial hunch. 

If, after carefully studying the above photograph - paying particular attention to the price sticker situated at the top right hand corner of the CD case - you wish to contribute to our survey, all you need do is answer A, B or C to the following multiple choice question:

 Loading …

If you intend to do any further research yourself as to whether or not releasing the musical equivalent of sandblasting the Sistine Chapel ceiling may have been counterproductive to the Beatles’ on-going deification, go to www.amazon.co.uk, type in the words: ‘Let It Be…Naked’ and locate the customer reviews section where - nestled amongst the five star reviews from Beatle Heads who, lets face it, would give five stars to a recording of their house being demolished by a bulldozer if Sir Paul were driving it  -  you’ll discover a wealth of scathing reviews from a somewhat more sober sector of the Fab Four fan family, who all appear to share my viewpoint on this rather delicate matter.

 www.freespeechbooks.com

I bumped into my old mate, Jeff, over the weekend, who’d recently returned from a three-night stay at the Royal Terrace Hotel in the centre of Edinburgh. He had loads of good things to say about the city and, in particular, the hotel itself, which he described as a wonderful example of Georgian architecture with stunning landscaped gardens, luxurious interiors and a breakfast to die for. However, he was also keen to forewarn me – in case I should ever decide to act upon his recommendation - that the musak in the hotel elevator left an awful lot to be desired.

According to Jeff, and I have no reason to doubt his word, the music being pumped into the elevator – which, unfortunately, he had to utilize throughout his stay, due to twisting an ankle whilst drunk on the first night - consisted solely of Beatles songs being performed on the pan pipes!

(Before you continue, you may wish to contemplate how mawkish hogwash, played on instruments used by digital shopping channels to hypnotise pensioners into buying more tat than they can afford, may sound in such a confined space.)

Jeff portrayed every single one of the trips he had to make in that elevator as a deeply unsavoury experience.  However, it was as he embarked upon his final descent on the last day, en route to reception to check out, which would prove to be his most testing time on tartan turf to date.

Apparently, within seconds of him hobbling into the already crowded elevator, the opening bars of ‘Michelle’ were just starting to rear their ugly heads.  From what I can gather, even with the offending version being instrumental - thus sparing Jeff the additional trauma of hearing ‘Michelle’ rhymed with ‘ma belle’ on numerous occasions  - it was, nevertheless, still no easy ride.
     
In fact, he claimed that, due to the elevator stopping at every floor on the way down, (including one delay of around 45 seconds, when a man insisted on holding the doors, whilst his wife ran back to their room to retrieve something), by the time he had finally managed to drag himself and his luggage to safety, he had endured almost the entire song.

(If you’re ever bored on a long journey, why not melt away some of the miles by making up a list of more appropriate music you could provide for your patrons - whilst in transit between floors - if you yourself were the manager of a large Edinburgh hotel. The one time I had a go, I’d managed to list harp music from Glasgow’s William Jackson, numerous works from Scottish composers like Sir John Blackwood McEwen, William Wallace and Hamish MacCunn plus a wealth of offerings from various contemporary Celtic artists such as Cappercaille, the Battlefield band and local Leith lad, Dick Gaughan, before I’d reached the end of my road)

 That said, as Jeff was at pains to point out, apart from the unpleasant elevator experiences, he would highly recommend the place to anyone. Therefore, if you are planning a trip to the fair city of Edinburgh anytime soon and think you may be tempted by some of the many delights the hotel has to offer, (not least its reasonable rates and excellent location), but, like me, would rather sit through an Elton John tantrum than suffer the same fete as Jeff, I’ve devised a simple procedure providing a pragmatic approach to preventing any panpipe predicaments on the premises during your visit, which will enable you to enjoy a Beatle-free break within this Fab Four friendly establishment.  
     
All you need do, If you should decide to make The Royal Terrace Hotel your hostelry of choice, is to request a ground floor room in advance when you make your reservation or, if none are available during the period you wish to stay, just remember to always take the stairs.

www.freespeechbooks.com

It’s been reported that as many as one billion people may have purchased a Beatles’ record at one time or another since the band was first thrust up on the general public some forty odd years ago. That’s almost fifteen per cent of the world’s population. Nowadays, due to supply and demand, there are thousands of Fab Four friendly websites littering cyber space, which cater for those billion people.  Freespeechbooks.com, on the other hand, has been created solely to cater for the other 5.5 billion people who don’t own a Beatles record.  

If there is anyone alive who feels that it’s excessive to have one solitary website offering support to over eighty-five per cent of the world’s population in their potential struggle against Fab Four Fundamentalism, please get in touch and let us know how you arrived at your, what certain fans of free speech may regard as, rather unreasonable point of view.

I am me, I’m Beatle free
I can twist and shout or let it be
I’m free to listen, think and see
I am me, I’m Beatle free

www.freespeechbooks.com