Getting to Grips with Lennon’s MBE Ping Pong
When ‘having the talk’ with certain Fab Four fans you’ll often find that, within seconds of demolishing their delusions concerning the Beatles abilities as musicians and songwriters, they will suddenly - in a last ditch attempt to save face - hit you with the ‘Lennon was a living God’ card. Sometimes this desperate act will involve going to such extremes as comparing John’s god-like deeds with those of say, Ghandi getting the British to hand India back to the Indian people without the use of violence, or even Martin Luther King’s contributions to the Civil Rights movement.
As you are well aware, the only subject you should be prepared to discuss whilst ‘having the talk’ is the pros and cons of the music the Beatles churned out, never the pros and cons of the individual band members’ actions, motives or personalities. (Particularly if neither you nor the fan you’re dealing with have ever met the Mop Top in question). However, as the ‘MBE Ping Pong’ technique has been designed specifically to help Fab Four fans put John’s God-like deeds into context and only requires that you state a fact - as opposed to offer an opinion - this particular exercise should be considered the exception to the rule. OK, without further ado, let’s take a look at how to put the ‘MBE Ping Pong’ technique into practice.
The main justification for John’s God-like stature amongst the Fab Four fraternity appears to stem from his rather well documented/publicised disapproval of the Vietnam War. Therefore, the ‘Lennon Was a Living God’ address will basically involve you being regaled with a long list of the God-like deeds John carried out in protest against that particular war. These will include such feats as staying in bed for several days at a time in various five star hotels, writing a couple of protest songs and even attending the occasional anti-war rally (at no cost to the organiser!)
DO NOT attempt, at any stage during this procedure, to juxtapose John’s protesting prowess with that of those conscripts imprisoned for burning their draft cards or the martyrs who set themselves alight protesting against the same conflict, as comparing John’s God-like deeds with those of mere mortals will be considered a personal attack on John’s character and could jeopardise the whole exercise.
Instead, bite your tongue and wait patiently for the fan to reach their grand finale before you respond. You will know the end is nigh when you hear the following sentence being bellowed at you in breathless indignation: “And-as-if-that’s-not-enough-evidence-to-prove-to-you-just-what-kind-of-a-man-John-was, he-even-handed-back-his-MBE-in-protest!”
Once John’s ultimate god-like sacrifice has been revealed, it’s imperative that you allow the fan a few moments to settle down and catch their breath before you proceed because, as I’ve learned from bitter experience, a tired and emotional Fab Four fan can become very irrational when their fallacies, falsehoods and fantasies are finally confronted by fact.
(You may be sorely tempted at this point to shout out the names of some of the perhaps slightly less brazen Brits, who, unlike John, ‘politely’ refused to accept a British honour, such as Francis Bacon, Alan Bennett, Kenneth Branagh, Jim Broadbent, John Cleese, Joseph Conrad, Albert Finney, Robert Graves, Aldous Huxley, Rudyard Kipling, Philip Larkin, Ken Loach, C S Lewis, L S Lowry, Keith Richards and Evelyn Waugh to name but a few – DON’T, as this act could also be construed as a personal attack on John’s character.)
Instead wait until the fan is suitably settled, and then - in as friendly and non-judgemental way as possible – simply present the fan at hand with the following fact: in order for a person to hand back an MBE, at some stage during that person’s development as a human being, that person must have been prepared to accept an MBE (and all that it stands for) in the first place.
If, as will happen on occasion, the fan at hand appears to have some difficulty getting to grips with this - what to you or I is straightforward logic – don’t despair. Simply find a pen and paper, write out the equation below and hand it over to the fan so that this conundrum can be studied in more detail during their own time.
FACT 1: In 1970 person A returned object C to person B.
FACT 2: Object C is only given out by person B in an annual ceremony.
Therefore, using simple logic and facts 1 & 2 we can deduce that person A must have accepted object C from person B during an earlier annual ceremony.
Admittedly, ‘MBE Ping Pong’, compared to some of the more sophisticated techniques in your repertoire, is a relatively basic exercise. That said, when presented in conjunction with an in-depth dossier of the band’s wealth of woes and amalgamated with such favourites in fighting Fab Four fundamentalism as the ‘Let the lyrics Stand Alone’ test or the ‘Nursery Rhyme’ test, I’m confident it will provide you with a welcome addition to your overall defence strategy.
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