Returning to the office this week, Charlotte discovered – whilst checking the freespeechbooks.com web stats – that not only had we received a lot of traffic over the holiday period from a U.S. music industry web site called The Velvet Rope, but also, a disproportionate amount of book orders from new customers in the States – which was nice! It appears the reason for this sudden flurry of interest from across the pond was that, shortly before Christmas, a fellow non-believer by the name of RJH, posted a link to my latest weblog entry ‘The Beatles Christmas Quiz 2006’ on the Velvet Rope’s discussion board and, naturally – being a music industry website – this brave act had ruffled a few high fliers feathers.
Now, having had some time to study the responses to this initial post in greater detail, I can confirm that I have never before experienced Fab Four fundamentalism this severe. And – as there appear to be more examples of Mop Top misconceptions crammed in to this one particular thread than I managed to address within my entire book – I consider it an essential reading companion for all those serious about living life without loving the Beatles.
However, If you have never before dipped your toe into that cess pit we call the music industry, and are unsure if you should proceed – due to fear of being intimidated by the wisdom, intelligence and foresight offered up by these Music Moguls – I’m quietly confident that reading the following examples of their wisdom, intelligence and foresight will help allay some of your fears.
(Please bear in mind before continuing that the only provocation for these quotes is one solitary soul politely begging to differ with these peoples’ views regarding a group of light entertainers from yesteryear.)
10) – ‘Fuck this guy, fuck this stupid book and fuck this quiz’
9) – ‘The Beatles’ greatness in no longer an opinion it’s a fact’
8) – ‘Whoever wrote these questions is in desperate need of a cock punch’
7) – ‘You Sir are an idiot’
6) – ‘I must agree you’re an idiot with no taste’
5) - ‘Revolver is the greatest album of all time’
4) - ‘Who is this douche bag?’
3) – ‘Fuck this retard’
2) – ‘Anyone who hates the Beatles lacks love in their heart’
(And last, but not least, my personal favourite – offering the perfect blend of inaccuracy, aggression and festive cheer – posted on Christmas Day by Platinum Member, Heldo)
1) – ‘Dear Stupid Twat, The Beatles were the greatest band ever. As a matter of fact, there will never be another band that comes close. Please kill yourself. Merry Christmas’
Ok, if, after reading the above, you now feel you won’t be too intimidated by the level of sophistication on display – before you do face the full force of this ferocious flock of Fab Four fundamentalists foaming at the mouth – let me give you some key pointers to focus on, which should prove very useful in strengthening your defence stratergy against all forms of Fab Four fundamentalism in the future:
1) Always remember to follow the excellent example set by RJH and remain polite at all times whenever ‘having the talk’. Even if your attempts at helping the fan you’re dealing with see sense are proving less successful than a Jehovah’s Witness cold calling campaign, you must never ever use threatening behaviour or attack people personally like some of the Fab Four Fundamentalist you will soon encounter on The Velvet Rope.
2) Note how whenever asked an ‘awkward’ question (which, if answered honestly, would immeadietly render the argument useless) the Fab Four fan will either skulk away and re-join the discussion again later when the heat has died down, or unleash a huge volley of expletives before going off on some wild tangent. Whenever the Question Avoidance Routine does occur in a situation like this – as it inevitably will – it is essential that you carry on asking the question, as even though the fan at hand may well continue to refuse to answer it, any innocent observers who are following the thread (like the more evolved Velvet Ropers who placed book orders), will be able to see for themselves that you are right and the fan is wrong – which in turn will help them to form a somewhat more ‘sober’ opinion of the Beatles ‘greatness’.
3) Always make it known as soon as is possible during ‘the talk’ (as RJH correctly does) that you have absolutely NO PROBLEM WHATSOEVER with the Beatles as people – except when they go near a musical instrument – as one of the first things the fan will do, on discovering your distaste for the lion’s share of the Fab Fours’ musical output, is accuse you of being an evil person who is filled with hatred and despises every member of the band as individuals. In fact, one of the best examples you will ever experience of this occurs on page two when – shortly after RJH spends an entire paragraph declaring his admiration for the Beatles as individuals – Gold Member, Sidcatlett declares RJH’s lack of enthusiasm for the Beatles’ music to be as ‘sickening’ an act as someone he heard about wearing a T Shirt with John’s face crossed out and the words “1 down, 3 to go” printed on it not long after John was tragically gunned down in cold blood (ironically by a Fab Four fan).
4) Pay particular attention to the subtleties you’ll encounter whenever a member of the Fab Four fraternity delivers a Mop Top misconception but expresses it slightly differently to how I have explained the exact same misconception in the Good Book. For example, in a post from Platinum Member, Massive you will witness him declare that the only reason RJH claims to not enjoy the vast majority of the Beatles’ music is because it’s ‘a great way to get attention’. This is an identical claim to that old chestnut: ‘you’re just saying you don’t like the Beatles music to be different and clever’ which is discussed in detail during the Nostalgic Impolitic chapter on p.48 and should be dealt with using exactly the same method.
5) Once you begin ‘having the talk’ it is imperative that you try to get the fan you are dealing with to commit to the ‘Let The Lyrics Stand Alone’ test as soon as is humanly possible. Then follow this immediately with the ‘Nursery Rhyme’ test, (something that RJH, sadly, failed to do on this occasion) as this will not only give you the opportunity to sit back and allow the fan you’re dealing with to dig themselves into a deeper and deeper hole, but, again, will allow any innocent observers to be presented with the facts that categorically prove the bulk of the Beatles songs to be not only lyrically inferior to the average nursery rhyme, but also rhythmically and melodically substandard.
Ok, if you now feel you are finally ready to engage with Fab Four fundamentalism in full flow – all you need to do is take a few deep breaths and then click here.